Once in a Moment
by Jayalek
Summary: "So..." Natsu starts, "You wanna kiss me?" A grin spreading across his stupid face. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Lucy denies, crossing her arms and attempting to force the blush that crawled up her neck down with sheer force of will. Or...Natsu and Lucy accidentally tumble from being friends into something more and they have no idea what the hell they're doing.


**WARNING: This story has minor spoilers for the current arc, panic attacks, depression, a lil' sexual content, and a bucket full of angst. read at your own risk.**

* * *

She thinks that it happened very slowly, and then suddenly. It had been building up and up for years but only the idea that she thought she had lost him was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

The funny thing is, neither of them knew it was happening – it took them both by surprise.

It happened on long missions, and even longer train rides. It happened in Lucy's bright, sun filled kitchen over syrup soaked waffles and cheshire smiles. But, also with broken and aching bodies and deep crimson blood. It happened with anger and violence, with laughter and joy.

Natsu would tumble in through her window (uninvited), and after she had finished being annoyed they would settle down on her floor and play games, get into deep discussions about anything and everything, or just enjoy the other's silent company. When the sun sunk below the horizon Natsu would crawl into bed with her and the two would whisper quietly to each other in the dark, they would tell each other deep secrets that no one else knew or silent confessions they were to afraid to share in the light.

In turn, Lucy would travel the admittedly long trek to Natsu's homey cabin in the woods. She would clean it up for him, half heartedly complaining the whole time. She would also teach him home skills he never got the chance to learn being raised by a dragon, and having been to ashamed to ask when he joined Fairy Tail. Natsu had quietly admitted once that he liked that she never judged him for things he didn't know.

Then, when night came around, Natsu would light a small bonfire and string up his hammock between two oak trees outside and the two would squeeze into the soft netting (practically having to lay on top of each other), and stare up at the stars. The celestial mage would tell Natsu what each star was named and trace out the constellations for him to see.

After long gruelling missions the pair would lean limply against the other with aching bones and weary eyes, exhaustion shoving them into unconsciousness whilst Erza and Gray went out and informed their clients that they were done. On any form of transportation, Natsu had taken up the habit of resting his head on her lap, taking deep controlled breaths to try and ward off the agonizing twisting in his gut.

Indeed, their relationship was slowly changing from friendship to... something else. That something else was up to them to decide exactly what it was though.

She didn't even know that her feelings for him had changed drastically in till he was dying in her arms. Her face was even more beat and bloody than his, but his abdomen had been mauled by half a dozen spinning blades of a sadistic S-class mage's weapon. She had wadded up Natsu's shirt and pressed it against the gushing wound, both her hands applying pressure as she tried to ward off tears. She couldn't panic right now, she had to keep a clear head.

Natsu was half delirious from blood loss, his eyes drooping as he stared at the orange sky blankly. Everything except Natsu's weak wheezing breath and the disgustingly red blood that soaked her hands was white noise to her. She was aware of every single fiber of her being, yet she was disconnected from her body, as if just a bystander watching the actions play out before her.

"You cannot die." Lucy had growled, thumping Natsu's dirt covered forehead, leaving behind a crimson streak, to keep his drooping eyes open. "I haven't got the chance to kiss you yet."

She wasn't even sure why she said it, and wouldn't even be aware of the meaning of her words in till her heart stopped trying to jump straight out of her chest.

Natsu was silent, Lucy thought that he was to out of it to respond or even hear her, but then a side ways grin spread across his face. Blood staining his teeth, he said "Should've made your move sooner, Luce."

* * *

Natsu doesn't die – lucky for him, else Erza would've slapped his corpse. And he doesn't forget what she said, apparently.

"So..." Natsu mumbles after a rather long awkward silence when Wendy left him to rest. They were alone in the infirmary, Happy leaving to go get some fish downstairs. Natsu was littered with scrapes, scratches, and bruises still, bandages wrapped tightly around his entire midsection where even Wendy's magic couldn't completely heal in one session.

"You wanna kiss me?" He asks cheekily, his eyes drooping with exhaustion and the effects of the pain medicine that was injected into him not even ten minutes ago to make him more comfortable.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Lucy denies, crossing her arms and attempting to force the blush that crawled up her neck down with sheer force of will. She refuses to make eye contact with him and instead stares outside; it's close to midnight and the city is asleep. The infirmary is dim, the only light coming from a single lamp near the exit.

" _Yooouuu wanna kiss meee!_ " The dragon slayer sings so loud his voice cracks at the end.

"You're fucking high." Lucy sings back, the tips of her mouth tilting up in amusement despite the flush of her cheeks.

Natsu giggles (proving her point) before he leans towards her and snakes his arm around the small of her back and hauls her onto the side of his bed. He sits up with a small grunt, the pain nullified by medication, before leaning closer and slanted his lips against hers. It isn't really the greatest idea of a first kiss to Lucy, Natsu isn't in his right mind and the dragon slayer drools all over her chin. But Natsu smiles against her lips and snickers, making Lucy smile too.

"'Gonna sleep now." Mumbles Natsu, slumping against his pillow with another grunt of discomfort. "Redo on that kiss later, m'kay?"

The blonde smiles fondly but covers him with the blanket anyway, "You bet." She says, placing a sweet tender kiss on his forehead.

* * *

The first time Natsu kisses her for real, and he is not pumped full of painkillers, it is raining. Pink tinted water slides down Lucy's face, from a wound on her forehead where a dark mage had slammed her forehead into a brick wall with a shadow spell. Her hair is plastered to her forehead and she is soaked to the bone and Natsu just leans in and kisses her, cradles her jaw line with one hand and trails the other down her throat. Shoves her gently against a wall and licks the blood from her cheek. It's kind of romantic, she guesses, for Natsu.

They don't talk about in on the way home, but when Happy goes to his and the fire mage's little cottage Natsu doesn't follow. Instead he follows Lucy home sits on her couch whilst she changes out of her still wet clothing. She pulls on one of Natsu's shirts that she 'borrowed' and joins the pinkette on the couch. He doesn't say anything about it, just eyes her when she walks in.

The dragon slayer pulls her onto his lap and the two spend the next couple hours kissing and touching and learning each other's bodies in a new intimate way.

Natsu makes a low keening noise when Lucy licks the shell of his ear. Lucy's ribs are ticklish and she had to hold back laughter every time Natsu's hands skim across her sides. Lucy loves having her neck sucked and Natsu is nothing but happy to oblige, especially when it makes Lucy grind her hips down against his.

They both come in their pants like teenagers and it's the best thing _ever_.

* * *

After that Lucy makes Natsu take her out on an actual date.

"I am a lady, and you should treat me as such." Lucy says with faux poshness, trying very hard not to smile as Natsu glances up at her over his menu.

" _Puh-lease_ , Luce. Even Gajeel is more of a lady than you are." He says with a shit eating grin that quickly morphs into one of pain when Lucy kicks him from underneath the table. Yet the two have a great time and Lucy's sides hurt from laughing so much at Natsu trying to eat with some semblance of decency.

After dinner the two go see a movie, the two spend almost ten minutes outside the theater arguing over which movie to see. Finally, and with the help of an elderly woman yelling at them to just pick one, they decide on a explosion-action one. Natsu spends the hole time trying to toss popcorn down her shirt.

"Natsu, I am trying to watch the movie." Lucy hisses.

"Please." Natsu snorts. "Like there's any plot." He says in her ear as his hands trail underneath the hem of her shirt.

Lucy's head leans back as Natsu's warm hands trail down lower. "Fine." She grits. "You win. Date over."

The two of them head back to Lucy's place and Natsu fucks her on her couch, leaves teeth marks on her shoulder when he comes and it's basically the best night of Lucy's life.

For some reason, Natsu doesn't want to sleep in her hed with her afterwards however. But Lucy manages to convince him and she falls into a restful sleep with Natsu's warmth wrapped around her like a second blanket. She wakes up the next morning and Natsu is gone, a sticky note pinned on her nightstand that read ' _Best date EVER!_ ' In Natsu's chicken scrawl of handwriting.

* * *

The first time Natsu stays over after a night of passion it all but takes Lucy's breath away.

He lays on his back but his head is turned towards her and the fire mage's warm breath tickles her shoulder. She lays there for a moment, just watching him. Natsu rarely every sleeps this deeply, usually he's tossing and turning and snoring quite obnoxiously but...right now his chest expands and contracts silently and he isn't even twitching.

Natsu has always been beautiful, even when he's terrifying (perhaps even more so then), but now he looks radiant. The early morning light washes in through her thin curtains and washed over him in soft golden light. He looks younger, the scar across his face is is all but invisible and it almost looks like what she is seeing is a water color painting.

The blonde stands up quietly and stretches, it appears she wasn't quiet enough because Natsu whines pitifully behind her. He reaches pathetically for her, grumbling something Lucy can't understand. "Want some waffles?" She whispers, it feels like if she talks to loud this whole thing will crumble and it would've been just a dream.

"Hmm..." Natsu groans, "Waffles..."

* * *

"Are we...like, a thing?" Lucy asks, propped up on one elbow. Natsu's leaned back against a couple of pillows, a blanket hazardously thrown over his hips. His hair is even more unruly than usual and there are bruises on his neck and light pink scratch marks along his chest and shoulders Lucy had made in fit of passion. She still can't feel her legs.

Natsu raises an eyebrow.

It's not something they had ever really talked about, and at first the blonde felt they didn't have to. She didn't think what they had needed a label quite at the time but now...she didn't know what they were and was scared to make assumptions if Natsu didn't feel the same.

The pinkette scratches behind his ears, "Do you want to be?" He asks gently.

Lucy doesn't even have to think about it, "Well...yeah. I mean, if you want to. I think it would be great to show you off too." She winks at him.

"Why?" Natsu asks.

"Why? Look at you!" She gesticulates her hand toward his body, "Your gorgeous!"

She thinks she sees Natsu blush and she can't help but grin and poke at his cheeks, Natsu smacks her hand away grumbling and that makes Lucy snicker into her hand. It's not about that though, not really. He's he is freaking gorgeous (Lucy could worship his body for days), but that's not why she wants this to be...real. She wants to say that Natsu Dragneel is her boyfriend without fear and that he is hers and she is his.

She looks up to see Natsu biting his lip and staring at his hands and is scared for a minute that he doesn't actually want to be an actual couple. "Sure." Natsu says finally and looks down at her with a small genuine smile and Lucy has to bite her cheek to keep from grinning like a lunatic. Instead she jumps into his lap and kissing him sweetly, Natsu smiles against her lips and wraps his arms around the curve of her spine. "So..." Natsu says when they pull away for air. "What do actual couples _do_?"

This gives Lucy pause, "Er...I don't really know..." She says, looking around the room as if that would give her answers. "I think... basically the same thing that we're doing? I think it's up to us to decide though really, screw other couples! We're gonna figure out what we like to do, together, m'kay?" She says against his throat as she trails butterfly kisses on his jaw line.

Natsu laughs at her but nods all the same, a grin spreading across his unfairly handsome face. It's really unfair how pretty he is.

"God, you're beautiful." Lucy says, pulling back to just look at him. "I could stare at you all day, I swear."

"Stop that." Natsu laughs unsteadily, crimson staining his cheeks.

"Nope." Lucy grins. "Everything about you is perfect."

 _Kiss_.

"Your eyes."

 _Kiss_.

"Your lips."

 _Kiss_.

"God, your _throat_."

Natsu laughs and kisses her nose in return. "If you think I'm beautiful, you should see yourself!" He says and they both fall onto the bed together smiling like idiots.

* * *

Natsu takes Lucy out and around the city every chance he gets now, whenever someone stares at the blonde to long he'll pull her into a sweet kiss and growl at the offender.

The two of them are walking around Magnolia, Natsu practically dragging the celestial wizard out when she expressed her desire to start getting into photography, to buy a camera. They're traveling to the most beautiful places in the city so Lucy can learn how to use the thing and Natsu doesn't mind all that much of being her first subject.

It takes her no time at all to figure out all the settings and aperture and shutter speed and a bunch of other fancy words Natsu doesn't know. She is practically running all around the city; they go to Kardia Cathedral, the docks, even the East Forest. Even Natsu's feet are starting to hurt and Happy is passed out on his shoulder. At every single place they stop at Lucy makes a point of taking at least ten pictures of Natsu. He grumbles a little everytime she turns the camera on him but let's her do as she pleases. Just happy to see her smile.

Then an elderly woman asks Lucy if she would like to have a picture with her boyfriend and the blonde gladly hands over her brand new camera that cost a truly insane amount of jewel to the complete stranger.

Natsu is still stuck on the word _boyfriend_.

 _Boyfriend_.

Sure, they've talked about it and he had moved in with Lucy last week and they've been doing this thing for – he counts in his head – six months now. But this is the first time someone other than Lucy has said it! He stares down at Lucy when she interlocks their fingers and smiling brightly at the camera. He's still staring when he hears the shutter goes off.

Lucy frames it and puts it on the nightstand next to their bed. Natsu says it's not a good picture cause hes not even looking at the camera, Lucy loves it and never even tells him why.

* * *

Lucy found out that Natsu had nightmares almost immediately after he moved into her apartment with her. They weren't just any nightmares, they were bad, reducing Natsu to a quaking mess. On the third night of the duo living together the dragon slayer had all but given Lucy a heart attack when she woke up abruptly to Natsu convulsing, and mumbling slurred words in his sleep next to her. He was drenched in sweat and Lucy hadn't even had time to try and soothe him when he shot up with a wordless shout. Lucy had tried to reach for him but when her fingers brushed his sweaty shoulder he flinched away, causing her to snap her hand back and cradle it to her chest as if he had burned her.

She tried to gently prod him for answers on what the dream was about, but Natsu just stared at a spot on the far wall. Not even looking at her. A couple minutes passed in silence between them before Natsu got to his feet and stumbled to the bathroom where he sat in the shower for over an hour. The only other time Lucy had seen Natsu that night was when he had came into their room for a moment to grab a pair of pants from the drawer before he slept on the couch. She would be lying if she said that that hadn't stung.

Lucy found that Natsu would sometimes mutter in his sleep too. Mostly just incomprehensible sounds that vaguely resembled words; sometimes, however, she could swear that she heard Natsu mutter her name with a painful lilt along with the usual stream of jiberish. She wished that the dragon slayer would open up to her and tell her what the dreams were about, but it never seemed like he would.

Whenever Lucy tried to ask him about it either one of four things would happen: he would ignore her, snap at her for being to nosy, kiss her to silence her, or change the subject abruptly. Lucy could understand that he didn't want to talk about it, but him having gruesome night terrors that had him screaming himself awake up to three times a week worried her. She wanted to ask him if there was any way she could help him. To somehow help him when he woke screaming and frantic.

She wanted to know why he couldn't so much as glance at her afterwards. She wanted to tell him that nightmares were nothing to be ashamed about. That she of all people knew that traumatic experiences could haunt you forever. But he would never even let her finish speaking when she tried to tell him so. Lucy guessed he wasn't ready to talk about it and she would try to be patient.

One night in the beginning of fall Lucy woke up freezing. Her blankets had been ripped off of her by Natsu's tossing and turning, the fabric was know twisted tightly around his legs. The blonde braced herself on one forearm, rubbing her eyes tiredly as her brown gaze flickered over to the time. She had only been asleep two hours.

"Natsu." Lucy mumbled sleepily, touching his wet shoulder. "Natsu, wake up."

It was instinctive, even though she knew that Natsu wouldn't be shaken from the firm grasp unconsciousness had over him so easily. She could probably scream his name and even with his advanced hearing he wouldn't even stir. She had tried before. Lucy knows your not supposed to wake someone up in the middle of night terrors as severe as Natsu's, but she is exhausted and the two of them, along with Happy, had a mission the next day and their train left early in the morning.

"Natsu," she tries again, "Na-" a hand covering her mouth as a large yawn interrupts her, "Natsu, wake up." She tries more firmly, shaking his shoulder.

It happens so fast Lucy didn't even have the time to blink.

Faster then lightening, Natsu is suddenly above her and is pinning her down on the bed. His entire weight on top of her, making it exceedingly difficult to take in a breath. A scalding hot hand that is just on the verge of catching flames wraps around her throat with brutal force.

It happened in less than a second.

Natsu's eyes are unfocused and half crazed, he's not fully conscious and he's terrified. "Natsu..." Lucy croaks, her breath coming out in rasping wheezes. She talks to him gently and quietly, as if she were speaking to a junkee on a bad trip, or a suicide jumper about to leap off a bridge. "It's okay...it's me."

The blonde wraps her hands around the one that is crushing her wind pipe and she tries to pry it open so she can get in a breath of air. She is becoming light headed and Natsu's hands are charring her skin. Lucy uses every last ounce of will power she has not to push the dragon slayer off of her to relieve the white hot scalding pain that seems to throb through out her entire body. Her fingers sing with pain as they make contact with the fire mage's burning hands. Black spots begin to cloud her vision and the room spins.

She makes a muffled gasp of agony and Natsu stiffens. He closes his eyes and when he opens them he looks _horrified_. The fire mage immediately releases his brutal grip on her throat, and scrambles away so fast that he falls off the bed and knocks over the nightstand, along with the lamp and several books stacked atop it to tumble to the cool ground, the lamp shatters, porcelain shards littering the floor. Lucy rolls onto her side and gasps for breath, rough hacking coughs shake her body.

"Are you okay?" Lucy croaks the second she can get the words out, gingerly hovering her hands over her burnt and bruised throat.

"Am I..." His voice cracks and he looks as if he's going to be sick as he stares up at Lucy with wide green eyes. "I have to go." He says suddenly, standing up.

"What?" Lucy yells as loud as her sensitive throat can allow. "No! It was my fault, I shouldn't have-"

Natsu is in her face so fast she flinches, his eyes are roiling with fury as he lifts a hand and points at her. "No." He snarls deep in his chest, his hand fists into her dark grey shirt and he bows his head, " _No_." He whispers this time, yet it sounds even more deadly then before.

Abruptly the fire mage turns back around and pulls on a shirt from where it laid crumpled on the ground. The fabric is slightly wrinkled and dirty but Natsu doesn't seem to care in the slightest as he stalks out of their bedroom and makes his way to the front door where his shoes are lined against the entry way wall along with hers.

Lucy stumbles out after him, using one hand to keep herself steady on the wall and the other still cradling her throat. "You're coming back, right?" Lucy whispers, the back of her throat tightening as she watches Natsu pull on his boots.

Natsu stands up and stalks out of their home, growling "I have to go." Before slamming the door behind him. He leaves his scarf behind.

Lucy tries to go back to sleep. Tries to tell herself that Natsu just needs a little space and time. Tries to tell herself that he will be back.

But try as she might, the blonde can't go to sleep. Her throat is still emanating a burning throb and her stomach is roiling in worry and fear. The bed is to huge and she is to cold without Natsu's warm heat wrapped around her. She rolls over onto her side and there is no pleasantly hot hand curling around her hip, or warm lips pressing against her shoulder. Her neck is really starting to hurt. She should probably check that out.

The blonde finally stumbles to the bathroom and flicks on the light, tilting her chin to get a better view of the damage. She inwardly gags at the gruesome sight. A dark hand shape bruise is already darkening under her mutilated skin. Ugly blisters ranging from the size of a small pebble to a quarter outlined the wrinkled angry red skin. The wound looked wet and weeping, it was almost gag worthy. Some of the blisters had already ruptured, causing blood to trail down the side of her throat.

Lucy drew a cold bath and submerged her throat within it for over half an hour, the cool water helped with the pain. The blonde made her way out of the bathroom naked and shivering, gingerly pulling a clean baggy shirt over her head. She carefully wrapped bandages around her throat to keep the sensitive wound safe from infection before walking out into her living room.

Lucy stares numbly at a glass cup that sat on her coffee table, half full of room temperature water. She grabs it and throws it across the room as hard as she can. The glass explodes and water splatters the walls. She blindly grabs for something else to break and chucks the next thing that is in her hand to the wall too. It's her camera.

She steps over the shards later when she goes out the next morning to cancel the mission her and Natsu were assigned to. Happy is devastated when he learns what happens and tells Lucy that he'll find Natsu.

* * *

A week turns into two weeks.

Wendy finally allows Lucy to take off the bandages around her throat, the skin is slightly paler than the rest of her body but Lucy is just happy to have the suffocating strip of fabric off. It had been a grueling healing process, the day after Natsu... left her neck had been so sore she could barely tilt her head and the celestial mage didn't even know how much dead skin she had to peal off before the burns and bruising had finally faded.

* * *

Two weeks turns into a month.

Happy comes back teary eyed and empty handed and decides to help Wendy and Carla with their jobs instead of blindly searching the continent.

Lucy throws herself into her work, taking difficult jobs back to back until Mira stages an intervention and bans her from taking anymore missions for two months, and Erza sneaks something into her drink that forces her to sleep (she isn't sure when she actually stopped sleeping), she wakes up in her bed two days later.

The blonde stares at the framed picture of her and Natsu that that nice lady had taken for then months ago. She misses him.

She stumbles out of her room to find Gray sitting on her couch, watching a movie on her television. "He's gone." Lucy whispers, as if she doesn't want to hear herself, and collapses next to Gray, the ice mage is silent as he stares at her with an unreadable expression, he grasps her hand in his cool ones comfortingly.

"He's Natsu." Gray says, as if that's supposed to explain everything.

That just pisses her off, and the blonde yanks herself away from Gray's hold and she paces back and forth in front of him. "He's coming back." She tells him, it's Natsu after all. He loves Fairy Tail more than anything. She looks out the window and sees citizens of Magnolia smiling and laughing down in the street below. The celestial mage slides down the wall and breaths in a trembling breath before tears well up inside her eyes and spill over her eyelashes and down her cheeks.

It hurts. She hasn't cried since – she hasn't cried yet, and it fucking hurts. She sobs with the force of someone vomiting on all fours, her entire body wrenching with tears. She's gasping for air cause she can't breath, _why can't she fucking breath-_

"Lucy." Gray's calm voice washes over her as he kneels in front of her. "Lucy, hey hey, Luce, breath with me okay?" The ice mage says, cupping her cheeks and forcing her to look at him.

He takes a deep breath and Lucy tries to mimic him but she fucking _can't_. Her blood is roaring in her ears and she can't even breath in before her lungs constrict and shes already breathing out.

"Luce, just breathe. Like this." Gray soothes, his cool voice comforting.

She tries again but it fucking hurts so much. It feels as if someone pried her ribs open and squeezed her heart till it popped. She hates this. _She hates it, she hates it, she hates-_

"Gray, I loved him." She gasps out, wrapping her arms around herself to try and hold herself together because it feels like she is tearing apart at the seams. She never got to tell him that. She never got to tell him that she loved him. He had never told her that either. Perhaps he didn't feel the same way she did; maybe he didn't care at all.

Suddenly Gray's arms are around her and he is shushing her gently, pulling her into his lap the ice mage kisses the top of her head before saying "I know you did."

* * *

"Where is he?" Lucy demands the new guild master, Mira. The blonde had stormed into the guild hall and immediately confronted the blue eyed woman. Mirajane crosses her arms over her chest and stares Lucy down with ice blue eyes. She knows she is being rude but she needs to find Natsu so she can kick him all the way to Edolas for leaving like he had. "I know you know." She hissed.

Mira's mouth thins and she continues to stare down at Lucy, "I don't, actually." She says, looking both annoyed that she can't help and apologetic. "When Natsu doesn't want to be found, Natsu doesn't get found."

"Well surely you know something!" Lucy snaps.

Mira sighs, pushing the heels of her palms into her tired eyes. "Look, Lucy," she says, sounding exhausted. The new title of guild master obviously taking its toll on the usually happy woman. "All I know is that Natsu stopped by my house in the middle of the night to tell me he was leaving for an indecisive amount of time and not to worry."

"And you didn't stop to ask where he was going?" Lucy growled, causing Mira to narrow her eyes.

"I'm not sure if you were aware, but Natsu used to leave for months on end before you showed up. And it is not my place to try and stop him from leaving. I'll send out a notice to all the guilds, that is all we can do, for now."

Lucy doesn't say anything as she turns around and leaves the guild hall.

* * *

Two months go by.

Loke and Gray come by to box up everything that belonged to Natsu so Lucy won't have to look at it all the time. Loke was the one that suggested it and Lucy hadn't objected, she didn't know how to feel about them taking Natsu's stuff away. All she knew was that her chest twisted every time she looked at Natsu's stupid dragon cup, or found a lone sock of his under her bed, or his shirts that were still hung up in the closet. They're almost out the door with half a dozen boxes between them when Lucy starts panicking. She gasps for air like there is holes in her lungs and she just can't quite get enough air in.

Gray has to help her breathe again and Loke stands off to the side helplessly and he looks down on her like _you poor broken thing_ and it is so humiliating Lucy wants to scream at the both of them to go away. She doesn't want their pity, she wants the pain to stop. She wishes she could somehow fight this agony off but she cant and she hates it.

"Hey, Luce, it's okay, we'll just put everything back, okay?" Gray tells her like she's fucking four, and picks her up gently to place her on the couch. The ice mage drapes a soft blanket over her shoulders and Lucy murmurs a small thanks. Her eyes are itchy and dry from crying and she is exhausted, yet she cannot go to sleep.

"If I ever see that bastard again, I'm going to fucking kill him." She hears Gray whisper to Loke as they carry the boxes they had packed into one of the spare closets, out of sight. They take special care to hide his scarf from view. Lucy bites her lip and wills the tears away, she doesn't understand why it hurts so much. She feels pathetic and has never been through heartbreak quite like this before.

When they are done, Gray kneels beside her and places a kiss to her forehead, he's been doing that a lot lately. The ice mage tells her he'll drop by tomorrow and maybe Juvia can come by too. He's treating her like she is a fragile broken thing and she hates it.

When Gray leaves Loke hangs back, Lucy stares at him with dull bloodshot eyes. The celestial spirit hesitates a moment before he sits down on the couch with her and begins to speak. "Listen..." He begins, "I'm not going to make excuses for him, because I just – I see you like this and it makes me want to hurt things, Luce."

The blonde mage closes her brown eyes and let's out a shaky breath, allows her shoulders to relax and she sinks against the soft cushions of her couch in something akin to relief. Gray has been amazing, really, without him Lucy would probably still be wearing week old dirty clothes, not eating, and barely sleeping. But...everytime the ice mage insults Natsu, Lucy gets angry at him, like she still has to defend him for some reason! It isn't fair, to her or Gray, and she knows it. But she can't control it and it makes her feel so much more pathetic than she already feels.

"But..." Loke says, "I've known Natsu for a long time, and he has never stayed with anyone as long as he has you. The thing I've learned about Natsu is...he's actually a fucking coward outside of a fight." He chuckles and Lucy cracks a smile, a real smile. "He gets scared, he runs." The orange haired man pushes her hair out of her face with a grin. "But you know what? He comes back, every time."

* * *

A week later Erza finally comes back from the three month long mission she had been on. She practically kicks Lucy's door down at two o'clock in the morning when she learns of what Natsu did and how Lucy had been acting. The read head storms over to Lucy and cradles her jaw, with surprising gentleness considering the storm in her eyes, and tilts Lucy's head back to look at her scarred throat. The skin is a shade paler than the rest of her skin and is slightly wrinkled, it isn't that noticeable but if you look for it it's there.

"Are you okay?" The Titania murmurs. Lucy is about to nod her head and say that she is fine but pauses because...she really isn't.

"I don't know." She whispers instead. Erza's crimson brows furrow in concern and she runs her calloused hands through Lucy's golden tresses in a comforting manor. The blonde finds herself leaning into Erza's cool touch, she's missed her. The Titania's violet eyes flicker down to Lucy's body, her eyes flash and she looks more angry then concerned now.

"Take off your shirt."

"What?" Lucy asked, unsure if she heard the requip mage right.

"You heard me, take off your shirt."

"Erza, what-"

"Lucy, either you take off your shirt or I tear it off."

The blonde eyed the taller woman in front of her for a moment, her cheeks as red as Erza's hair as she hesitantly took her shirt off. Her cheeks stained crimson she figits under Erza's critical gaze. "You've lost a considerable amount of muscle mass and weight." Erza growls.

Lucy wants to hide her jutting ribs and pronounced hip bones but forced her arms to stay at her sides, the back of her throat tightens and she can't even look at the Titania in shame. "I didn't mean to..." She whispered. "I just...forget to eat and I – I don't even know."

Erza abruptly turns away and marches to her kitchen, she digs around for a moment before saying "You're coming with me." Barely giving her time to pull her shirt back on before the red head is tugging her to the door.

"W-where are we going?" Lucy flounders to pull on a pair of boots over her pajamas as she's being pulled.

"My home, we are going to have a...sleep over and have copious amounts of sugary sweets."

And they do just that.

* * *

Lucy wakes up a week later to the canal outside her apartment frozen over with a thin sheet of ice and the ground is covered with half a foot of soft dry snow. She is suddenly reminded why she loves winter so much as she makes her way to Erza's house. The two of them have a lazy day together, they try and make peppermint cookies but the requip mage ends up eating most of the cookie dough before Lucy can get it into the oven. They hang out all day and it is the best Lucy has felt in a long time.

Erza offers her to stay the night, but Lucy politely declines and heads home with promises of the two of them hanging out soon. She begins heading home and it has already been dark for hours, thick snowflakes lazily fall from the dark sky and Lucy sticks her tongue out to catch some. Her fingers are freezing and her nose is stinging but she can't help the smile that crosses her face. She is...happy. 'I can do this...' she thinks, as she watches two children play in their yard. She walks up to her door and kicks the snow off her boots before walking in.

She walks into her home, toeing off her boots and hanging up her coat. The blonde rubs her fingers together and blows warm breath on them as she pads down the hallway, ready to crawl into bed and sleep. She turns the corner and her whole body stiffens and it feels like her whole world has just been ripped out in front of her.

Natsu is sitting on her couch, hunched forward with his hands in his lap. He looks up through his hair and a he murmurs a quiet "Hi."

The blonde celestial mage bits down so hard on her tongue a metallic tang rushes into her mouth. Her whole body is numb and she can't fucking breath, god she can't fucking do this right now. She's not fucking ready for this.

"Why are you here?" She hissed, apart of her is suprised by just how angry she sounds. And she realizes just then that she is angry, furious, livid. She wants to punch him in the face, wants to somehow make him feel the pain that she felt.

Hurt flashes across Natsu's eyes before he quickly covers it up with a blank look as he glares down at his hands and flexes them uneasily. "I can leave." He says, so quietly Lucy barely even heard him.

The blonde is about to show him the way out but her heart does that stupid thing where it feels like it's tying itself around her lungs and she holds up a trembling hand and says "No, just-" there is so much she has thought about in the months he was gone, so many questions she has asked herself whilst crying into her pillow and feeling worthless and empty. She has had to deal with people staring at her like she was somehow broken, had to deal with their pitying gaze and the humiliation of people judging her for not being able to climb out of the hole Natsu seemingly pushed her into. She wants to scream at him, to tell him that she hates him, that he needs to fucking get out of her house and leave because that seems to be the only thing he is good at.

But...even above the roiling anger and piercing hurt that whirls inside her body she wants to know why. It's the one thing she thought about when she was in the midst of a pain attack, it replayed in her head like a mantra – why, why, why, why, WHY – "Just – why are you here, Natsu?" She barely recognizes her own voice by how broken it sounds and she is to busy staring at her feet to see Natsu flinch.

The dragon slayer is quiet for a second, "For you." He says and Lucy wants to fucking punch him for it. He must sense her furious thought because he straightens his spine and closes his eyes as if getting ready for a physical blow. And just for that, Lucy stays still, if she is going to punch him she doesn't want him to see it coming. Wants the pain to be unexpected just like what he did to her. After a moment when she doesn't do anything Natsu relaxes and lets out a shaky breath, "You don't have to listen to me, I know I dont deserve it, but...if you would hear me out, I have some things to say."

The celestial mage tries to murder him with her eyes, but let's out a silent breath when the fucker doesn't keel over. "Okay..." Lucy sighs, sitting down in a chair farthest from Natsu, cause she really just wants him to leave. She was finally getting better, she was finally sleeping well and remembering to eat and was finally freaking happy again. She doesn't want to be near him or even see his stupid face right now, but she feels like she needs to know why. She tells herself if Natsu doesn't have a fucking good reason she is going to cast Urano Metria if that's what it takes for him to leave her alone. "Talk."

Natsu wrings his hands together and lets out a shaky breath. "You remember how I used to have nightmares?" He begins and Lucy can't help but snort, of course she remembers. The urge to hit him is becoming stronger and she crosses her arms because she doesn't trust herself not to do so.

The fire mage licks his chapped lips when she remains silent, he glances up at her but quickly looks back down when he meets her stony expression. "I know you thought they were about E.N.D, and Igneel, and all that stuff. But they weren't – about that, I mean." The pinkette swallows thickly "They – they were about you."

The celestial mage starts to pick at a small tear in her worn sweats. Pointedly not looking at him.

"At first they were about when the future you died, then when I thought you were dead when the Sprigan Twelve attacked, then about all the times I hurt you. Then they got worse..." Natsu says, hanging his head as if he can't even bare to look at Lucy. "I'd dream of hurting you, not in the past, but now. I'd dream if wrapping my hands around your throat and crushing the life out of you in our own bed. About me beating you to death in our living room. I'd dream about you dead in my arms because I fucking killed you."

She almost stands up and runs over to comfort him but barely stops herself, having to remind herself of all the pain he caused her. She hates that she is already starting to forgive him, hates it so much. She tries her best to hide her shock, he had never told her that, she never really asked either.

"And then I almost–"

"No, you didn't-"

"Don't think I can't fucking see the scars around your neck, Luce." He snaps, his green eyes flashing with guilt and anger. Lucy's hand moves up to massage the pale wrinkled skin without her consent. "I could've – I could've fucking killed you! And if I did – if I squeezed just a little harder...I couldn't – I couldn't fucking live with myself. I hated leaving you, okay? I hated every single step I took but I thought I had to do it. For you."

"But you didn't hurt me! You didnt have to leave!" Lucy stands up, waving her hands. "You could've talked to me, we could've–"

"I know!" Natsu interrupts. "I know. I know I fucked up, okay? Did you know you were the longest relationship I have ever had?" Had, not have. Lucy thinks bitterly, he still thinks of them as in a relationship. "Hell, I didn't even know what I was doing most of the time! It was different when we were just friends...sleeping with you was scary, moving in with you was fucking terrifying. I have never opened up to anyone like I have you, not even Happy.

"And then when I...when I fucking woke up and my hands were wrapped around your throat, my literal worst nightmare was happening right in front of me. I was terrified for you, not me!" His voice cracks and Lucy listens carefully to his words. He sounds so broken that she just wants to hold him close and tell him everything will be okay. But she's not sure if its going to be.

"So I went west, like, really far west. Across the ocean to some place called Tosca; I had heard about it a couple years ago on a job and thought it was a bunch of hokey but I had to do something, Luce!" He says, wringing his hands together.

"It's run by these spiritual monk people, I don't really know, they spoke a different language. I honestly have no idea how the knew what I wanted, I hadn't even knocked on their door they just pulled me in. They had me meditate for like a month straight, the only time I took breaks was to eat and sleep, it was pretty intense." She couldn't imagine Natsu sitting still for that long and was pretty skeptical, but didn't interject.

"Every morning they would do this strange ritual, I would lay on this stone pallet and this woman would put her hands on my forehead and – I don't know, it was like she was pulling all the bad bits out. I would see this other woman every couple days, and I would just...talk to her. She didn't talk, and I still don't even know if she had any idea what I was saying. I just told her about my life, about Fairy Tail...about you."

Lucy bit her lip, the hole in her sweats was getting bigger, she was going to ruin them. "What exactly did you tell her?" She whispered.

Natsu shifts and looks up at her, "That you were the only thing that made me feel like living."

It feels like she got the wind knocked out of her and now she can't breath.

"Can I come home, Luce?" He sounds so vulnerable and small, he's hunched into himself likes hes trying to make himself less intimidating and is looking at her with those stupidly big green eyes.

The blonde takes a deep shuttering breath.

"Idiot." She growls, wiping her wet eyes. She hadn't even realized she had been crying, and runs over to him and wraps her arms around him and pulls him right to her chest.

They are both sobbing and it's gross and wet but it's somehow perfect.

* * *

 **AN: I had to look at a bunch of pictures of second degree burns for this story, so I hope you freaking liked it! Oh my god, I thought I was gonna puke. The things I do for writing...**

 **Anyway! This was super duper fun to write, angst is my favorite. Plus it was my first time ever writing anything lemony so...I hope I did good? I'm super nervous about posting this so...yeah. Also the fact that the characters in this are a LITTLE OOC. But the thing is...you never see anyone in FT canon have to deal with anything similar to this so I have no freaking clue how they would act. I am praying I did good, under the circumstances, and seriously hope it didn't bother anyone to much...**

 **It has been a personal headcanon of mine since I started reading Fairy Tail years ago that Mira would be the next guild master after Makarov. I mean... it's the obvious choice. I know many say it is going to be Laxus, but Mira has been half running the guild since the beginning! Anyway, I had never gotten the chance to explore this in till now so yeah I hope none of you are to off put by it.**

 **Well I hoped you like it and tell me what you think! Constructive criticism is always welcome!**

 **See ya guys later!**


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